I want to move forward, but what if all I can do is fall back. I want to advance, but what if all I can do right now is retreat? I was recently asked to participate in a Spiritual Life Report for our fellowship with the Northern California and Nevada District Council of the Assemblies of God. The District Council theme for this year is “Advance,” taken from Philippians 1:12, “I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel…” If we read just one verse further however, what has happened to Paul to advance the gospel becomes a sobering reminder for all of us, “…I am in chains for Christ (Philippians 1:13).” 

Much of what Paul writes comes from his own places of difficulty and hardship. Just a few chapters later he writes, “…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him (Christ) who gives me strength (Philippians 4:11-13).”

We love the prospect of the Gospel being advanced through us, that idea of a Christ who gives us strength and the possibility of “all things” we can do through Him. We print it on t-shirts, embroider it on pillows and paint it on our walls. Athletes write, “Phil 4:13,” under their eyes, proclaiming, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” over touchdowns and homeruns. However, we tend to forget that when Paul writes, “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength,” he is talking about facing difficulty – being hungry and in need. We forget that when Paul writes, “What has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel,” he is talking about being in chains for the sake of Christ. We want to advance the gospel and do all the things through Christ who gives us strength but we forget that those things are often directly connected to difficulties and hardships we will face. Our greatest victories will stem from our greatest defeats. Our most radical ADVANCEment will come from retreating into the arms of Jesus.

This past summer I faced a time of difficulty that I realize now stemmed from years of my own internalized conflicts and dysfunctions as well as pent up emotions and frustrations leading to compassion fatigue verging on full blown ministry burnout. I found myself in a very dark place emotionally. I experienced thoughts I couldn’t explain and overnight I felt overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and depression; I felt anxious, frustrated, even angry. I had zero patience for people and just wanted to snap and scream at all of them. It got worse as the weeks bore on. My wife took notice, and so did my pastor. As I opened up to them about how I was feeling, both separately encouraged me to seek counseling. 

God opened the door and led me to just the right person at just the right time. I found a therapist who was a credentialed minister with the Church of God in Christ. My therapist knew the Word and pointed me back to it constantly. He knew people, ministry burnout and compassion fatigue and was able to relate to me on a personal level in ways that I know many counselors would not. Most important of all, he knew the spirit realm and reminded me that, along with the psychological side of my struggles, my true battle lies with a very real enemy who twists the profound emotions God made me to experience to do damage to myself and others around me. When I feel sadness, I have an enemy who tries to nudge it into depression. When I feel Insecure, I have an enemy who tries to prod it into anxiety. When I feel angry, I have an enemy who tries to push that into bitterness and rage. I have an enemy who is constantly trying to gain a foothold in my life, attacking my mind and firing his flaming arrows of doubt, fear, depression, lust, hate, anxiety and self-destruction. 

With the help of my therapist, my family and, most importantly, my Jesus, I began to break through the tangle of dark thoughts and into the wondrous light and clarity of living life in victory with the God of the Universe and the wondrous freedom that comes through Him. As Christ followers, we have to remember that the greatest victories stem from the greatest defeats. This is most radically evident at the cross when, by all outward appearances, Jesus was defeated. Yet we know His death brought the greatest victory in all history for all people for all time. With Jesus, our defeats are turned into victories, because our advancement comes from retreating into Him. Only as I retreated more intentionally into the presence of my Savior did I advance through apparent defeat in my recent difficulties. He has brought me through to the other side and as I have leaned more into Him, I have seen His power and His presence more at work in my life, my family and my ministry. I love my wife more today than ever before, and she loves me. My kids love and worship Jesus, and actually want to hang out with me. Our church is growing and people are pressing into the presence of the Savior, and that has nothing to do with me. 

This is what Paul is saying when he writes that all that has happened has served to advance the Gospel and that he can do all things through Christ who gives him strength. Even when Paul begged Him to take away one of his greatest hardships, Jesus reminded him that, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).”    

I needed to be reminded that it’s not about me anyway. I am not here to change the world. Only Jesus can do that. I am just here to try to get closer to Him and to retreat into His presence more each day. When I do that, then He can use me and all that has happened in my life to ADVANCE His Gospel. 

Jesus, I just want to know you more today. As your gospel has been advanced in me, may it advance in others through me as we boldly retreat into your presence. Amen.